Thursday, February 16, 2006

i'm not poetic

DISCLAIMER: emo post ahead.

An old friend of mine posted about not having an impartial and reasonable friend to drink tea and scream with/to. That's not all they posted about, but that sentence struck me particularly.

It reminded me of how I used to be that person (there's one thing i couldn't be impartial on, but yea). Also, I don't care for tea that much, but the tea house in Boulder had good tea, and I like raspberry iced tea. And, as most of you know, I'm good at expressing things loudly. Also, I think I'm generally a good listener, but only when no one is looking.

I hate feeling powerless to support and listen to someone I still care deeply about. Knowing how this person deals (or doesn't) with stress and emotion, and how very few people have gotten past that wall built rather high and thick. We all build those walls because of our experiences in being hurt, in being loved, in protecting the sacred things we keep deep in our souls. We don't share those things with everyone because the people you love them most are the ones who won't judge you or put expecations on you when they honestly know almost everything about you. At least, ideally they shouldn't.

It's so hard to contrast the elements of a friendship. On one hand, you can have honest conversations about things that hurt and feel better coming out of them, being able to let them cry and rub their head until they fall asleep. I always feel better about anything once I get some sleep and let my brain process. You can have fun doing crazy shit, making jokes about nerdy things that no one else finds funny, and laughing for hours on end. On the other hand, you can be selfish and wretched and possessive, and really hurt someone because they're more invested in your opinion and voice; always assuming that the good parts of friendship outweigh the bad, which they don't, necessarily. Are we all just fooled into the fact that friendships, love, romantic relationships are enduring? I don't know if that's true. At least, my experiences don't prove that's true.

This is the first time I've cried over this friendship in a good deal of months. But, for once, I'm not crying because I feel sorry for myself, but because I really hurt someone and now feel helpless and don't want them to sad, helpless and hurt by the things around them.

I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless...
I twist like a corkscrew
The sweetness rising
I drink from the bottle, weeping
Why won't you last?
Why can't you last
-rufus wainwright


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